Crap in my house
that I am giving to you as a wedding gift: “Winston Churchill sent a complete set of his books.” (Gifts Queen Elizabeth received on her wedding. C’mon Winston, what a cheap and self-promotional freebie. Couldn’t you have sprung for a fish fork or something?) Read more:...
Oy vey! Mama mia!
“my family is jewish and FI is italian. for the most part things are fine, but to his family the thing they care most about is having a big antipasti display (meat and cheeses and whatnot) at the reception. meanwhile, my parents keep kosher and are adamant about not having any pork at the wedding, and aren’t really comfortable even with the mixing of meat and dairy. it’s so...
Seriously, there is no worse chore in the world than putting the comforter cover...– Mrs. Moz Now that I am married, should this blog be Funny Housewife Things? P.S. This post on Mrs. Moz made me learn how to do hospital corners.
Truer words have never been spoken
“Choose wisely, I was at a weding where the bride and her dad danced to ‘Nights in White Satin’ by the moody blues, and it was really creepy.” —from an Offbeat Bride post about Father-Daughter songs.
Ring of Fire
This agnostic Indiebride received a book entitled When Sinners Say I Do. Stumped about what to write for a thank-you note, she started a thread soliciting advice. While someone else suggest that she self-publish a book entitled When Douchebags Give Wedding Gifts and give it to the giver, I had to laugh out loud at another poster who shared this anecdote: “My Grandma, for example, who sent...
Deep Throat was easier to deal with
This one requires some inside baseball background to understand what happened. Characters: Sally Quinn: Washington D.C. social doyenne, and wife of Ben Bradlee Ben Bradlee: Former and legendary editor of The Washington Post, who oversaw the Watergate coverage. Okay, so Sally Quinn, many years ago, wrote a book called The Party (which I have actually read) about how to entertain properly. She...
This one might only be funny if you read wedding boards, but comedienne Guilia Rozzi acts out threads from different wedding boards. Here’s one about Save the Dates (aka STDs):
Re-flowering at the NY Times
I found an archived cover story from 1980 issue of New York magazine about how to get into the New York Times wedding (or “society”) section. For New Yorkers, this is probably one of the most popular sections of the Sunday Times. Anyway, 1980 was thirty years ago, but the amount of hilariously dated commentary in this article is unbelievable. The Times (even today) always uses...
Wedding theme: Ball and Chain
“We live in a town with a rather infamous maximum security prison. On the prison grounds near the warden’s house there is a hall/facility that you can rent out. FMIL is insistent on having our reception there. IT’S ON PRISON GROUNDS. I have already reiterated the fact that I am NOT comfortable with our reception there. On top of that, 85% of our guest list is coming for at least...
Level of Brutality
I read this article about The Dexter Lake House Band, a New York wedding band a few weeks ago when it was in Sunday New York Times Style Section and pretty much every part of it made me laugh. If I had an extra $8,000 lying around I would totally hire them. Here’s a video of them playing Journey: My favorite quotes include: - “Special requests are only one element that goes...
Facebook is now rivaling Christmas and weddings as the source of most tension...– Emily Yoffe, aka Ask Prudence
We must either love each other, or we must die
From a jewelry insurance policy: Perils Excluded “We” do not pay for a loss if one or more of the following excluded perils apply to the loss, regardless of other causes or events that contribute to or aggravate the loss, whether such causes or events act to produce the loss before, at the same time as or after the excluded peril. …. d. The discharge of a nuclear weapon even if it is...
Floozies forever →
No Marriage in Heaven Grandma: I can’t wait to see your grandpa again in heaven someday. Me: You know grandma, according to the Bible, there is no marriage in heaven. Grandma: What, so everybody’s a floozy? Even better! [from Postcards from Yo Momma]
But the white people have to use the porta-potties
“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.” …He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such...
And here I thought your theme was the Cheesecake...
“Our theme is ‘marriage’ and what personalizes our wedding is that we’re getting married at it.” Quote from an Indie Bride thread about embracing the wedding mill.
Cold comfort Costco
“I will say in his defense however that I bought his jarred pasta sauces at the wholesale club and they were really good.” [a Gawker commenter on a post about Todd English, the well-known restaurateur, leaving his bride at the altar. A wedding, incidentally, estimated to cost $150,000, by the catty, though often accurate, New York Post.]
I just went to a wedding this weekend with line dancing (awesome!), which reminded me of my long-held goal to learn the Electric Slide. First, watch this video, where a bride hired a rather grouchy and mean dance teacher to teach the electric slide to her guests. Secondly, though I know not how to do the Electric Slide, I know it is a dance beloved by many American demographic groups. I...
Open bar, always a problem.
Then he [Jesus] called the bridegroom aside and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.” This, the first of his miraculous signs, Jesus performed in Cana of Galilee. He thus revealed his glory, and his disciples put their faith in him. (from John 2:1-11) I know that...
Crash into me
From a book proposal about former Presidential candidate and senator John Edwards’s fantasy proposal to his mistress, Rielle Hunter: “Edwards told Hunter that the ceremony would be held on a rooftop in New York and the Dave Matthews Bands would make an appearance, the newspaper said, citing its examination of the book proposal.”
At least the food is better than the guilt
“My typical Asian mother (advice: if God ever asks you what family you would like to be born to. If it is an asian mother, just say ‘no’) then changes her tune and embarrasses me by going into a rant to the salon directress and her assistant about how $1400 is just too much for a dress. When she got married she borrowed her dress from her friend for $20. A David’s Bridal dress is...
The new Esperanto
“Well, my parents speak the same language- YELLING.” From a post about language barriers between the two sets of in-laws on Weddingbee.
Maybe she can give it to a Republican
“This is not about weddings but I thought I would share this story because you guys will appreciate it… A few years ago my mom bought this card that said (I’m paraphrasing), “A woman is like a teabag — you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.” So she adopted this quote as a kind of woman-empowerment thing, and started calling people teabags....
I go to the gym to hum, loudly, to myself.
“I had a stranger tell me the other day that I was in the wrong because I do not wear my wedding ring to the gym?!?!?! WHAT??? First off, I do not wear any jewelry to the gym except for my watch. Second, I would be afraid that my wedding ring would fall off my finger when working out…..you know, people do tend to sweat. … She tried to justify herself by saying that anyone...
That's what my grandmother said
“that’s ok, securing a man is gift enough.” (an email from a friend after I wrote her telling her that her wedding gift was backordered.)
You scoff at a sign from God?
“Just like some people’s families give them the down payment on their house and some people’s families give them a Jesus sign instead. I’m in the Jesus sign family.” (from a discussion about unusual wedding gifts)
Not wed and not dead
“Before I got married, I had this aunt whose hobby was to tease me during wedding receptions. Every time there’s a wedding, she would jokingly tell me in front of other relatives and friends that ‘it’s my turn,’ even though I had no boyfriend. It irritates me that she thinks mid-20s is too old and that I should marry. I was a bridesmaid 7 times before I got married,...
No, Le Corbusier
Dear Miss Manners, Most wedding cakes are so vulgar, with all the overly fancy trimming, and I would prefer to have a perfectly plain cake. My fiancée, who generally has very good taste…says that would look “cheap” and wants one of those several-tiered monstrosities….This is such a dumb argument, but it makes me wonder what else she is keeping from me in the way of secret...
Even if she has Bette Davis eyes?
“I would like to remind the ladies that, while a woman looks at a man from the head down, a man looks at a woman from her feet up. If she doesn’t have decent legs and buttocks and good breasts, the rest of her doesn’t have much of a chance.” (from a comment on a New York Times article about YouTube favorite Lauren Luke, who teaches women, including brides, how to apply...
From a cheap hooker, natch.
While reading bridal forums, I have been doing double-takes when I see questions on the boards that say things like “Where did you get your STD?” “How much did your STDs cost?” “Do I need an STD?” Brides, in their wedding bubble, mean Save-the-Dates. To the rest of the world, well, this is not the first thing STD stands for. Related: Savage Love cheerfully...
Things That Annoy Me, part 1
Photographers who call their web page about prices “investment.” 1.) This always makes me think of “investiture” and that there’s going to be some kind of fantabulous ceremony if I click on it. 2.) No one wants to look at, let alone buy, your stinky wedding photos, so they are probably the opposite of an “investment.” “Money-losing sinkhole,”...
I've always wanted chocolate-flavored BPA
“They were white plastic spoons dipped in chocolate, wrapped in celophane, and tied with a gold ribbon…They were for stirring your coffee…at least I hope so because it would look silly for a bunch of adults standing around with plastic spoons in their mouths!” (From an email a friend sent me about a wedding favor she received.)
Nooo! I can't quit you pickle wraps!
Original poster: “The venue regularly does meals, but they range toward buffet-style, and include such things as pickle wraps (what are those, you ask? Take a few slices of dried beef, spread with cream cheese, wrap a dill pickle up in it and slice…these are delicious, but not exactly what I had in mind) and roast beef.” Responder: “They have probably been doing weddings a...
No use at all, my dear
“My mom took forever to get me the date because she insisted on this one fortune teller who at first ‘had no calendar’ for the year, then he went to HK on a trip! … In my opinion, if you cannot predict what’s going to happen in the coming year without a damn calendar, what use are you?” (from a post entitled “SO frustrated and in need of help…or...